Choose a doep ass chic car. RWD because ftw.
Let it sit for a couple months without wash cuz dirty is the new clean.
Pat yourself on the back for saving all the money that would have gone to car washes
Clean the wheels first. My weapon of choice is a corn-on-the-cob and pump action trigger bottle of wheel cleaner. Make sure it says wheel cleaner since you’re cleaning the wheels. The cleaner should be pH neutral to ensure safe usage on all wheels.
Spray wheel cleaner on the wheels. Try to cover every spot if possible. Then sit back and watch it dissolve the brake dust for 30 seconds. Just kidding. It says 3-5 minutes on the bottle but we’re men so why are we following directions???
Attack your wheels with the corn-on-the-cob violently. Make sure to jab it at the barrel too to get every part of the wheel squeaky clean. Don’t worry about the face of the wheels though since we will clean that later. This part is just to get the barrel part clean.
Rinse your wheels with clean water. Don’t use dirty water!
Squeaky clean barrel!
Time to work on the body! The best time to wash the car is when it’s raining rice cakes outside. You should always wash your car in the shade when the panels are cool. Spray the car down first to get rid of the loose dirt.
If you had skipped enough car washes, the water should look like this on the body panels.
If water is beading nicely and not messily like the example shown above, GTFO of my thread! Your car does not need detailing!
Gather your cleaning supplies. Use two buckets: 1 bucket for clean soapy water, other bucket to rinse the dirty wash mitt after every panel wiped. The red grit guards sit on the bottom of the buckets to help trap dust particles. If you buy premium gas, you will buy Shampoo PLUS. Regular shampoo if you’re a cheapass modafaka.
Dampen your sheepskin (has nothing to do with condoms) wash mitt to prep it for use.
This is my Gatorade bottle measuring cup. Make sure you use exact amount of Shampoo Plus as indicated on the container. No more, no less.
Always wash your car from top to bottom. Why? Because gravity.
Don’t forget to clean your sheepskin after every panel!
Wipe wipe wipe.
Look at all that dust you’ve gathered the past 2 months.
Take a moment to rest and stare into the sky.
Not! Fawking clean ass car. Why do I even need to detail it?
To make drying quicker, take the nozzle off your hose and let free flowing water run down your car. If you’re doing it right, most of the water that was on your car should run off as demonstrated on the left side of the windshield shown below.
Dry dry dry.
Finally! The good part!
Clay the car first. Grab your clay bar and detailing spray.
Keep a microfiber towel handy since you will need to wipe down sections of the panel as you clay them. Do not let detail spray dry and clay residue dry up on your car.
Work in sections at a time. Make sure to keep the clay and the section you’re working on moisturized at all times. The clay shouldn’t stick on the panels, it should glide. Remember to wipe down the panels as you’re done with them. Look at all those boogers!
To get rid of whirls and not-so-deep scratches, you have two choices:
ONE: This dinky low powered vibrator known as DA Orbital Buffer. If you’re new to detailing, you should use this, as this is the safest way to remove swirls effectively.
TWO: The Man’s weapon of choice. Welcome to the macho club.
The left is not buffed, the right is buffed with the orbital.
The left is buffed with the orbital, the right is buffed with the rotary. Notice that the rotary side is a deeper black.
Make sure to tape up and protect the rubber/plastic trim as well as emblems.
Get to work! Again, work in sections. You don’t need to use too much compounding liquid. Should look something like this or a little dryer. Keep tabs on how hot your panels get. Let the panel cool off if it feels a bit too warm. If you don’t it will leave scratches.
Remember to wipe clean of the residue as you finish each section.
You’re almost done! All that’s left to do is wax.
If I need to explain this step to you, you might as well pay someone to detail your car afterall. One thing to note is that contrary to what a lot of people think, you do not need to apply a thick layer of wax. Thin layer as long as it’s nice and even is preferable.
While you’re waiting for the wax to dry, clean the remaining dirt off the face of your wheels with some detailing spray and towel.
While you’re at it, dress up your tires so they’re hot, like my sexy legs.
Ooh mama, that is clean!
After you’re done with the wheels, the wax should be dry enough to wipe off. Wax off and your car should be bright and shiny like mine!
If it doesn’t look anything like this, I’m sorry to have wasted your time